The new season is nearly upon us, so we peered in to our crystal ball to see what was in store for Headingley’s premier amateur football team. Promotion? Cup wins? Well, we’re keeping the good stuff close to our chest. But what we CAN reveal is…

  • After being wrapped in cotton wool, Player’s Player of the Year, Oli Carter, wins back to back Player’s Player of the year awards.
  • Elliot, the self proclaimed ‘master tactician and coach’ moulds another thought of squad player into a world beater. Merlyn’s reward to get to share car journeys with the gaffer. When quizzed on what happens on these journeys, he only ever responds, “Elliott says it’s our secret time and I can’t tell anyone.”
  • Andy Williams becomes the next new father of the squad. Conception occurs after he is mauled by a tiger whilst on his safari honeymoon. Chicks dig scars after all.
  • Jamie Gledhill actually wins a bet.
  • Chris Atherton is seen buying a round of drinks. He reminds people of this for the following 19 weeks.
  • Tim Curtis receives more yellow cards than last season for ‘clumsy’ forward challenges.
  • Lewis Keating becomes known as ‘the gobby one from Cheshire’ across the West Yorkshire League, taking the crown from Andy Williams.
  • Collectively, 47,003 burpees are done throughout the season.
  • Both teams to lose away on a cold winter afternoon to lesser opposition for simply not being ‘up for it’.
  • Standard Goal of the Season contenders from Sam Brown, Matt Pasque, Kieron Grant, Ed Calvert and surprise entry…Tom Monkhouse.
  • Adrian Shields turns up to a training session unaware the Military Rich was taking the session. He was last seen pointing at the sky saying ‘Everyone! Look over there!” before leaving an Adey shaped hole in the fence.
  • More Christmas Do shenanigans with predictably poor efforts from Lewis Keating and Adrian Shields. One ‘attached’ player to stop out all night afterwards.
  • First Skyrack tracksuit night ends with Tariq’s doubling their takings for a Saturday night through a last minute order of 15 chicken handi pizzas.
  • Marc Quinn and Gillespie spend £1000+ in the Skyrack on ale as part of the sponsorship agreement. They later find out we get £500 in sponsorship.
  • Acrobatics are back in fashion after ITV’s Tumble so Oli Salt comfortably wins best goal celebration with a double front spin to pike finish. A torrid affair with Gabby Logan soon follows.
  • Keiran Burns to get a girlfriend.