OVERHEARD! Upon being introduced to a newly returned player for the first time, this defender remarked  ‘I thought you were Monky! Hu Hu Hu!’. Ouch.

FAKE BOFFIN ALERT! Which player struggled to change his tyre so much he asked for help from the opposition in the car park after a game? The problem was soon rectified when the opposition player pointed out that to unscrew the wheels, you had to take the plastic protectors off the wheel nuts.

ARE THEY BACK ON? This player announced that he grew his hair especially so that random girls could grab it whilst on his summer holiday despite having a love interest back in the UK. The promptly split. He has now cut his hair…is his former flame back on the scene?

MOSSAD OR MIDFIELDER? Shocking members of the squad with a display of unrivalled linguistic charm by breaking in to a fluent Eastern Europe conversation to save another player’s face, the question that’s never been answered was why does this International Man of Mystery speak the tongues of the Iron Curtain…and is this an elaborate ruse to honey trap the more decadent members of Headingley AFC?

OVERHEARD! This member of the squad, when approached by a female who promptly said ‘Hi, I’m xxxx – so I take it you play football too?’ replied ‘Aye, I actually won man of the match today,’ before even saying hello/hi/what’s your name?

SECRET’S OUT! Confusion reigned for this player recently – confused by the question that would be asked on the Scottish Referendum ballot paper, he thought the choice would be ‘IN’ or ‘OUT’ rather than ‘YES’ or ‘NO’. One source says that the befuddled player was OUT in more than one way which goes some way to explaining the potentially purposeful dying of the Reserve kit socks to a flirty off-pink.

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Journalistic disclaimer:

  • One of these stories is pure fabrication. Maybe two, but one of the two is so utterly believable, it might as well be taken as gospel.